76. - To Mr. John Wesley.
peaceful roofs. I am glad you do not want hard or violent measures: I hope you never will countenance them, no, not against what you dislike. I believe things will turn out very well at the conference, and I shall be a witness of it, if the Lord of the harvest give me a commission to be a spectator of the order and quietness of those who shall be there: if not, I shall help you by prayer to draw from far the blessing of love upon our friends.
In being moderate, humble, and truly desirous to be a Christian, that is, to be the least, the last, and the servant of all, we avoid running ourselves into difficulties, we escape many temptations and many mortifying disappointments. For my part, as I expect nothing from men, they cannot disappoint me; and as I expect all good things from God, in the time, way, measure, and manner it pleaseth him to bestow, here I cannot be disappointed, because he does, and will do all things well. I trust you labour for God and souls, not for praise and self. When the latter are our aim, God, in mercy, blesses us with barrenness, that we may give up Barabbas, and release the humble Jesus, whom we crucify afresh by setting the thief on the throne, and the Lord of glory at our footstool: for so do those who preach Christ out of contention, or that they may have the praise of men. That God may bless you and your labours, is the prayer of your old brother,
J. FLETCHER.
76. - TO MR. JOHN WESLEY.
TERN, Nov. 24, 1756.
REV. SIR, - AS I look upon you as my spiritual guide, and cannot doubt of your patience to hear, and your experience to answer a question proposed by one of your people, I freely lay my case before you.
Since the first time I began to feel the love of God shed abroad in my soul, which was, I think, at seven years of age, I resolved to give myself up to him, and to the service of his Church, if ever I was fit for it; but the corruption which was in the world, and that which was in my heart, soon weakened, if not erased those first characters which grace had written upon it. However, I went through my studies, with a design of going into orders; but afterward, upon serious reflection, feeling I was unequal to so great a burden, and disgusted by the necessity I should be under to subscribe to the doctrine of predestination, I yielded to the desire of my friends who would have me to go into the army: but just before I was quite engaged in a military employment, I met with such disappointments as occasioned my coming to England. Here I was called outwardly three times to go into orders; but upon praying to God, that if those calls were not from him they might come to nothing, something always blasted the designs of my friends; and in this I have often admired the goodness of God, who prevented my rushing into that important employment, as the horse into the battle. I never was more thankful for this favour, than since I heard the Gospel in its purity. Before, I had been afraid, but then I trembled to meddle with holy things; and resolved to work out my salvation privately, with out engaging in a way of life, which required so much more grace and gifts than I was conscious I possessed; yet, from time to time, I felt warm and strong desires to cast myself and my inability on the Lord, if I should be called any more, knowing that he could help me, and show his strength in my weakness: and these desires were increased by some little success which attended my exhortations and letters to my friends.
I think it necessary to let you know, sir, that my patron often desired me to take orders, and said he would soon help me to a living; to which I coldly answered, I was not fit, and that, beside, I did not know how to get a title. The thing was in that state, when, about six weeks ago, a gentleman I hardly knew, offered me a living, which, in all probability, will be vacant soon; and a clergyman I never spoke to gave me, of his own accord, the title of curate to one of his livings. Now, sir, the question which I beg you to decide is, whether I must and can make use of that title to get into orders? For, with respect to the living, were it vacant, I have no mind to it; because I think I could preach with more fruit in my native country, and in my own tongue.
I am in suspense. On one side, my heart tells me I must try, and it tells me so whenever I feel any degree of the love of God and man; on the other, when I examine whether I am fit for it, I so plainly see my want of gifts, and especially of that soul of all the labours of a minister, - love, continual, universal, flaming love, that my confidence disappears; I accuse myself of pride to dare to entertain the desire of supporting one day the ark of God, and conclude, that an extraordinary punishment will, sooner or later, overtake my rashness. As I am in both of these frames successively, I must own, sir, I do not see which of these two ways before me I can take with safety; and I shall gladly be ruled by you; because, I trust, God will direct