Chapter 2 - Conversion to God.
CHAPTER II.
OF HIS CONVERSION TO GOD.
1. IT will be most satisfactory to the serious reader, to give an account of this in his own words. They run thus: “The 12th of January, in the year 1755, I received the sacrament of the Lord’s Supper, though my heart was as hard as a stone. The following day, I felt the tyranny of sin more than ever, and an uncommon coldness in all religious duties. I felt the burden of my corruptions heavier than ever; there was no rest in my flesh. I called upon the Lord, but with such heaviness as made me fear it was lost labor. Many a time did I take up the Bible to seek comfort; but not being able to read, I shut it again. The thoughts which engrossed my mind were these: ‘I am undone. I have wandered from God more than ever. I have trampled under foot the frequent convictions which God has wrought on my heart. Instead of going straight to Christ, I have wasted my time in fighting against sin by the sole use of the means of grace; as if the means would do me good without the blessing of God. I never had faith; and without faith it is impossible to please God: Therefore all my thoughts, words, and works, however specious before men, are utterly sinful before God. And if I am not changed before I go hence, I am lost to all eternity.’
2. “When I saw that all my endeavors availed nothing against my conquering sin, I almost gave up all hope, and resolved to sin on and go to hell. Yet I had a strange thought, ‘If I do go to hell, I will praise God there. And since I cannot be a monument of his mercy in heaven, I will be a monument of his justice in hell.’ But I soon recovered my ground. I thought, ‘Christ died for all; therefore he died for me. He died to pluck such sinners as I am out of the devil’s teeth. And as I sincerely desire to be his, he will surely take me to himself. He will surely let me know before I die, that he has died for me. If He leaves me for awhile in this dreadful state, it is only to show me the depth he draws me out of.’ But then I thought, ‘Perhaps he will do it only at my dying hour. And must I sin on till then? How can I endure this?’ But I thought again, ‘My Savior was above three-and-thirty years on earth. Let me wait for him as many years, and then I may have some excuse for my impatience. Does God owe me anything? Is he bound to time or place? Do I deserve anything at his hands but damnation?’ Yet anger was always one of the sins which I could not overcome. I went on sinning and repenting, and sinning again; but still calling on God’s mercy through Christ.
3. “I was now beat out of all my strongholds. I felt my helplessness, and lay at the feet of Christ. I cried, ‘Save me, Lord, as a brand plucked out of the fire! Give me justifying faith; for the devil will surely reign over me, till thou takest me into thy hand. I shall only be an instrument in his hand to work wickedness, till thou stretch out thy almighty hand, and save thy lost creature by free, unmerited grace.’ I seldom went to private prayer, but this thought came into my mind, ‘This may be the happy hour, when thou wilt prevail with God!’ But still I was disappointed. I cried to God; but my heart did not go with my lips. I prayed, but often could hardly keep awake. When overcome with heaviness, I went to bed, beseeching God to spare me till the next day, that I might renew my wrestling with him, till I should prevail.
4. “On Sunday, the 19th, in the evening, I heard an excellent sermon on these words, ‘Being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.’ I heard it attentively, but my heart was not moved. I was only still more convinced, that I was an unbeliever, and that till I had faith, I should never have peace. The hymn after sermon suited the subject; but I could not join in singing it. So I sat mourning, while others rejoiced. I went home, still resolving to wrestle with the Lord, like Jacob, till I should become a prevailing Israel.
5. “I begged of God, the following day, to show me the wickedness of my heart. I besought him to increase my convictions; for I was afraid I did not mourn enough for my Sins. But I found relief in Mr. Wesley’s Journal, where I learned, that we should not build on what we feel, but go to Christ with all our sins, and all our hardness of heart. On the 21st, I wrote down part of what filled my heart; namely, a confession of my sins, misery, and helplessness, together with a resolution to seek Christ even unto death. In the evening, I read the Scriptures, and found a sort of pleasure in seeing a picture of my own wickedness exactly drawn in the third of the Romans, and that of my present condition in the seventh. I often wished to be acquainted with somebody who had been in my condition; and resolved to seek for one to whom I might unbosom my whole soul. On Thursday, Satan beset me hard: I sinned, and grievously too. And now I almost gave up all hope; I was on the brink of despair; and nevertheless continued to fall into sin, as often as I had temptation. But I must observe, that though I frequently thought hell would be my portion, yet I never was much afraid of it: Whether this was owing to a secret hope, or to hardness of heart, I know not. But I was continually crying on, ‘What stupidity! I see myself hanging over hell, as it were by a single thread! And yet I am not afraid, but sin on! O what is man without the grace of God! A very devil in wickedness, though inferior to him in power!’ In the evening I went to a sincere friend, and told him something of my state. He endeavored to administer comfort; but it was not suited to my state. When we parted, he gave me some advice which was better suited to my condition. ‘God,’ said he, ‘is merciful; God loves you; and if he denies you anything, it is for your good. You deserve nothing at his hands; but wait patiently for him, and never give up your hope.’ I went home, resolved to follow his advice, though I should stay till death.
6. “I proposed to receive the Lord’s Supper on the following Sunday. I therefore returned to my room, and looked out a sacramental hymn. I learned it by heart, and prayed it over many times, intending to repeat it at the table. Then I went to bed with rather more hope and peace than I had felt for some time. But Satan waked, though I slept. I dreamed I had committed a grievous and abominable sin. I awaked amazed and confounded, but fell upon my knees and prayed with more faith than usual; and afterwards went about my business with an uncommon cheerfulness. It was not long before I was tempted by my besetting sin; but I found it had no power. My soul was not even ruffled. I took no notice of this at first. But having withstood the temptation again and again, I perceived it was the Lord’s doing. Afterwards it was suggested, ‘It is presumption for such a sinner to hope for so great a mercy.’ I prayed, that I might not be in a delusion; and the more I prayed, the more clearly I saw it was real. For though sin stirred all the day long, I always overcame it in the name of the Lord.
7. “In the evening I read the experiences of some of God’s children, and found mine agreed with theirs. Hereby my faith was strengthened, and my hope considerably increased: I entreated the Lord to deal with his servant according to his mercy, and take all the glory to himself. I prayed earnestly, and was persuaded I should have peace with God and dominion over sin; not doubting but the full assurance also would be given in God’s good time. I continued calling on him for an increase of faith; (for still I had some fear of being in a delusion;) and having continued my supplication till near one in the morning, I opened my Bible on those words: ‘Cast thy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee. He will not suffer the righteous to be moved.’ Filled with joy, I fell upon my knees, to beg of God that I might always cast my burden upon him. My hope was now greatly increased; and I thought I saw myself conqueror over sin, hell, and all manner of affliction.
8. “With this comfortable promise I shut up my Bible, being now perfectly satisfied. As I shut it, I cast my eyes on that word, ‘Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, I will do it.’ So, having asked grace of God to serve him till death, I went cheerfully to bed.”
9. So far we have Mr. Fletcher’s own account, under his own hand. From this time he “had the witness in himself;” he knew that he had “redemption through the blood of Christ, even the forgiveness of sins.” But he still continued pleading with the Lord, to take a fuller possession of his heart; till, one day, as he was in earnest prayer, lying prostrate on his face before God, he saw, as it were, our blessed Lord, hanging and bleeding on the cross: And, at the same time, those words were spoken with power to his heart: —
Seized by the rage of sinful men,
I see him bound, and bruised, and slain.
‘Tis done! The Martyr dies!
His life to ransom ours is given;
And, lo! the fiercest fire of heaven
Consumes the sacrifice!
He suffers both from men and God!
He bears the universal load
Of guilt and misery!
He suffers to reverse our doom;
And, lo! my Lord is here become
The bread of life to me!
10. I believe this was in January, 1754, in the second year after he removed to Tern. Now all his bonds were broken; he breathed a purer air, and was able to say with confidence, “The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” By means of this faith, sin was under his feet. Knowing in whom he had believed, he could continually triumph in the Lord, and praise the God of his salvation.
11. From this time he walked cheerfully, as well as valiantly, in the ways of God. He closely followed his Master, denying himself, and taking up his cross daily. And, thinking he had not leisure in the day for the great work which he had in hand, he made it an invariable rule to sit up two whole nights in a week. These he dedicated to reading, meditation, and prayer, in order to enter more deeply into that communion with the Father and the Son which was the delight of his soul. Meantime, he lived entirely on vegetable food, and for some time on bread, with milk and water. None can doubt, if these austerities were well intended: But it seems they were not well judged. It is probable, they gave the first wound to an excellent constitution, and laid the foundation of many infirmities, which nothing but death could cure.